Sashi's Space
oh……to be at the beachArchive for July, 2007
Still hurting me so
Reaching for this unknown tomorrow
Waking up to face it
Don’t think I can make it
Reaching for this unknown tomorrow
Been hurting all this while
I hope you can see it
Been taking one step at a time
Maybe you can feel it
Days are passing by
Life’s so short
I should be moving on
I know this
Your smiling face
Was going to be my starting place
But baby..
I don’t know how to
Say goodbye
He’s always walking
By my side
Leading me
Inside myself
By myself
Losing control
It’s still hurting me so..
I don’t know how to walk away
He’s all I need to stay
Faithful and true
To love’s illusions
It’s still hurting me so
Waking up alone
Picture beside my bed
Opening my eyes to see you there
Would be wrong
I’m staying alone
It’s easier
You know
I don’t need to go through this anymore
I don’t know how to
Start anew
He’s always walking
By my side
Leading me
Inside myself
By myself
Losing control
It’s still hurting me so..
I don’t know how to walk away
He’s all I need to stay
Faithful and true
To love’s illusions
It’s still hurting me so
Waking up beside you
Early morning turns to hell
Smiling, reaching out
Kisses
Someone else inside my head
Only you don’t know it
Coffee brewing
Ritual begins
Soon as you go out the door
I sigh
Relief
Baby don’t get me wrong
I love the way you make me yours
Our bodies speak
But we don’t
You think I’ve given it my all
You believe I’m moving on
It’s an illusion
Sashikala Premawardhane
Namba Traffic Lights
Hands clasped
Lovers stand at the traffic lights
And exchange a fleeting kiss
Too fast for anyone to see
But painfully long and sweet for the lonely lover looking on
Enviously……. the lights turn green
And in a flash they are gone
I must cross the street
And go back
To an empty room
To loneliness……
Love can be a constant ache
Moving all the time
With the motion of life
You try to block it all out
Be numb
Till you see the lovers at the
Traffic lights again
In a strange country
All alone
Strangers’ kisses can be
Especially painful
Sashikala Premawardhane
Acid
My cousin brother melted
His wife’s lesbian lover
Had her revenge
Acid
Not knowing how to help
Amma is hysterical
Everyone fears the visit to the burn unit
Everyone
No one wants to see his melting face
The horror of it all
Has sunk
And scorched our hearts
Aunty Kamala can’t look at me straight
She is fanning away the
Flies that hover
Probably thinking
Why my son?
Why me?
His eyelids gone
He is struggling to sleep
Perpetually awake
His five month old baby
Giggles
Hanging on to his burnt arm
Seeking comfort in his warmth
Not caring for his
Frankenstein face
She smiles, in adoration
And looks lovingly into his eyes
He is silent
And speaks nothing
No words of anger
Towards his wife
His mother’s tears
Are soaking up the earth
Like a river
They flow- never faltering
I have no words of comfort to offer
We have never been close
Reaching out
I hold his hand- he clutches
My heart is breaking
Our unspoken pain
Transmits
My father refuses to visit anymore
It hurts too much to see him
His mother must live this nightmare
Over and over again
Every second that she breathes
My cousin brother melted
His wife’s lesbian lover
Had her revenge
Acid
Sashikala Premawardhane
The Child
She posed – no less than nine
Her countenance saying it all
Would you – it asked
Buy my flesh for a silver coin?
She names her price
And calls out – calls out ……
So clear and strong
Her voice rings out
Would you – it asked
Buy my flesh for a silver coin?
This not she
The child of nine
But the woman
The child you see
Is dead
Is dead
Is dead
She died the day
Her flesh was sold for a silver coin
And now she stands
Pitied, mocked and forgotten
On the streets with the red lights
In a dark alley
She sells her flesh by night
In exchange for a silver coin
That buys her bread
Each night
She lives and dies
And lives and dies
Then at dawn
When the world awakens
She sleeps
The child
No God to look upon her
Except the silver coin
That glitters in the sun.
Sashikala Premawardhane
The Fifteenth of October
The fifteenth approaches
and sometimes in the middle of something
I remember it’s your birthday
and I toss the thought aside quickly
fearing it might linger
It’s not as if I could wish you
or even buy you cake
these things hardly matter now
then why is it that
when the fifteenth approaches
sometimes in the middle of something
I remember it’s your birthday
and then I think
if I can erase that
and all the glorious birthday memories we made
and your face in the coffin
then the fifteenth of October
would be just another day
and I wouldn’t remember
sometimes in the middle of something
that it’s your birthday
It’s your birthday…….
Sashikala Premawardhane
We loved
We loved
You and I
Drinking deep
Of each other
And parted
Without goodbye
So when you see me next
Remember that
We loved
You and I
And no farewell
Can change that fact
In that moment
When you pushed me aside
Fearing I may ask for reciprocation
Remember that
I loved you regardless
I didn’t want to
I let you go
You are free
To love someone
That’s not me
When you held me
I closed my eyes
And pretended
Not to see
That you didn’t love me
It made the lovemaking easier
You found comfort
In the contours that you touched
And left me
Without the comfort
Of your love…
We loved
You and I
Drinking deep
Of each other
And parted
Without goodbye
So when you see me next
Remember that
We loved
You and I
And no farewell
Can change that fact
Sashikala Premawardhane
Inevitability
When I see you
Something signals inevitability
You reach out
Unconsciously almost
Placing yourself so close
And can’t resist the touching
Then you are running away
For fear I may sense
The inevitability that I see in your eyes
When we are together
You make excuses to brush your hand against mine
Or walk so close that
Parts of us touch featherlike
I have decided to stop running
And face you
And my liking of you
Head on
I can feel your fear at my boldness
You think this is desire?
Then how is it
My leaving
Takes the joy out of every moment
And you are melancholic
For no particular rhyme or reason
And why is it
not knowing where I am
And how I spend my day
Leaves you so restless…?
Sashikala Premawardhane
Betrayal
I see you reaching out
Wanting me so desperately to understand
Yet I stand passive, impregnable
You speak
Trying to soothe my frantic mind with your words
Yet my mind is numb, indifferent
Your eyes search my face for a sign, a response
Yet my face reveals nothing
And my eyes remain neutral
You reach out your hand to touch my face
Yet that touch so basic fails make a connection
I watch you from afar
My mind detached, my heart closed
One word
Pounding
Beating down my heart
Betrayal!!
The emptiness of an infinity precious thing lost!
Fills my mind
And the pain, the darkness remain
Only as a distant, cruel reminder
Of a betrayed soul
Walking like a shadow of a man
One step behind
A constant cruel whip lashing down
My desolate and damned heart
And you dare ask me to understand?
Sashikala Premawardhane
I’m not that girl
I’m not that girl anymore
Someone else has taken her place
Smiling
Laughing
On the outside
Moaning
Groaning
On the inside
Messed up
I’m not that girl
Anymore
Re-runs of one night in my head
Walking into your house
To see you dead
Even now leaves my legs weak
But I’m over it
You fucking shouldn’t have died
I’m not that girl anymore
The one you fell in love with
The one that used to hurt so much
When things went wrong between us
I don’t hurt now
I’m not that girl anymore.
Sashikala Premawardhane
My drugs
“500 Rupees for 50”, he said grinning
looking at my saree
with a mixture of delight and surprise
I hand over the money and grab the white stuff
he’s been dangling in my face
not knowing how to use, I seek advice
his grin broadens
“will it make me forget” I ask earnestly?
he becomes animated
sharing his ride
he is waving his bones about
I am clutching the tiny cellophane bag so tightly
that my palm has turned red
I dart across the street- the man still in mid-sentence
bringing all the equipment to my room, I slowly lock my door
“cheers asshole” I say to your photograph
I’ve been seeing you in my head – alive when you’re dead
Sanity surfaces and I watch my escape circling down the commode
Angry at myself for losing control, I am writing for release
Substituting my pen for the white stuff
My ride begins
Words become my drugs.
Sashikala Premawardhane
