Sashi's Space
oh……to be at the beachJ
They were right in the end J
all of ‘em
the pundits of gloom & doom
knew the catastrophic mistake
we were making
we were never meant to be together
some preordained prophecy
manifesting itself
having lived longer than you
I think
It’s fitting on your 36th birthday to say
I have not met
a better man than you
on a day like this
it breaks my heart
that they were right
this world
had no place for us
we didn’t belong
Doesn’t stop me
from hoping for miracles though
wish you were here……
Sashikala Premawardhane
In memory of John Neranjan Benedict R.I.P.
(15.10.1973- 03.01.2000)
You will
They said
in time
You will heal
You will forget
You will move on
I believed them
and for a time
I thought I did
I did
He said
When he kissed me
the first time
“after six years huh? How does it feel?”
I was too caught up to respond
Thinking
Why do I always get first kisses on the beach?
“You should seriously move on- he’s dead” he used to say
yes…. that’s what I was doing with him
moving on
I thought I was
I was
I felt so lost
It felt so right
I was torn
It dawned on me
Watching him sleep
That I had moved on
Too late to turn back
I was trapped
But he wanted none of that- none of me
I filled a gap
And that was that
Time to grow up
I know now
What it wasn’t
It wasn’t love
Not for him
Love is
The way your face breaks into a grin
When you see me
Lighting up
And me not knowing
What you’re so excited about
It’s only me
Coming over to say “hi”
And you running, grabbing me
Into a bone crushing hug
Taking my breath away
Holding me as if
You could lose me- if you let go
And me always pushing you away
Saying “can’t breathe”
And you saying “Sasha you came”
Yes I did love
I did
I still don’t know why
The mere sight of me
Made you smile so
I never saw that in him
So no
Get over you?
I never will.
Sashikala Premawardhane
New Year Greetings
I danced and danced and danced
All night
all the twirling will help
end the pain
the shortness of breath
the crazy smiling, crying, mood swings
and the talking to myself
yes- all this moving around
will end- me looking at the phone all the time
willing it to ring tonight
and in any case
what would be the point
even if it does ring
and even if it was you
no point really
no f#$*^@! point
I should wish you well
That’s what I should do
Gotta let all these things go
Stop re-living old conversations
hurtful stuff
yeah…. That’s what I should do
hard really
one day
When I think of you
I hope to feel nothing
Till then- though -
I wish you
pain, pain and more pain
like I’m feeling tonight
The kind that stays despite the dancing
In the New Year
Sashikala Premawardhane
As if
As if
you could see right through me
to some other time
and place
you are away in your head
Index finger
steadily dragged
along the stretch of my back
and kisses placed
on my arm
are absent minded-almost-
the caresses
are your wake up call
Saying
Here –I am- Here
This embrace
Where you have found solace
And I have found love
Beats
Thud-thud-thud-thud
As if you care
I don’t!
maybe I do…..
I don’t!
I do?
Do you?
As usual
I am busy having conversations in my head
With you…….imaginary you……
Sashikala Premawardhane
Random Exchanges with 94 stranger on the blogosphere
How is it ’94
you have found me
among the words?
I am there
only briefly
we have never
said hello
face to face
sifting through
the million written thoughts
on the internet
you reached out
and saw me
as many who have
seen me never have
Thank you for the company 
By: sashi on July 21, 2009
at 8:52 am
Reply
Sashi
For me to be your companion
is a powerful thing;
God knows, I too
would not walk this road
any more alone
than I can possibly avoid;
be my companion too
of the ether and the soul,
if you will –
so I can think of you out there,
sometimes, and feel better
about people, myself,
and the world.
http://94stranger.wordpress.com/2009/04/02/poem-i-was-not-born-for-eden/#comment-656
August
Should August be so bitterly cold?
Like that conversation we had
Last year
On the 26th ?
I think it should
Unlike that warm, sunny day
when I decided to tell you
how I felt
and listened to your words
like icicles
freezing any warm thoughts
that may occur
so in contrast
to the spirit of that warm, humid and gay August day
when we had that conversation
It is better this August
Things are as they should be
Icy cold
Sashikala Premawardhane
Drowning
Lifting lips
From a now swollen nipple
Grinning down at brown pools
Meant for drowning in
Expectantly watching
for some sign of love
on the edge of reason
weary from the games
the unpredictable turn on-turn off-turn on again
eternity stretching out
from your lips to mine
facing each other
wrapped up in tangled limbs
it’s time for the reckoning
choosing that exact moment
to respond
you say
“I don’t love you”- “that’s why”
smiling
like a man surveying his dirty deed
you ask “are you angry with me?”
short of breath
I bite the end of my bottom lip
from inside
determined not to let you see me cry
I let my gaze stand
Though I don’t see you anymore
Falling down your flight of steps
The same night
Slipping
Losing balance
Raw-cool-cement
jolts me back
Blood springing from my spine
The stinging hurt
Comforts me
Sucking away attention from the pools
On the verge of overflow
I want to run away – break free
from your
suffocating embrace
leave you to your tangled desires
uncertain caresses
your almighty confusion-dammit
I promise myself
I will- Yes- I will
tomorrow
Sashikala Premawardhane
Two men
Two men
have been here
often hammering
steady, uncompromising blows
alternatively
they have squeezed it dry
taken pieces with them
that caught their fancy
pieces that fit them for that moment
left without goodbye
or any words of comfort
looking for those missing pieces
that would fit back in
has been difficult
taken without asking
stolen –almost-ripped
leaving open wounds
Inside though
there is still a beat
that will skip
and
keep time
and leap
at the mere possibility of love
a beat that is all mine
despite the two men
and their love of ripping my heart open
I’m not done searching
for those pieces just yet
Sashikala Premawardhane
fairly simple
Today
One year ago
You told me how we could be together
You & I
It was fairly simple
Till we each
Find that perfect partner
More willing
To share our lives
Yes, till that time,
You said
When she changes her mind
And when I find that someone special
You said we could
Be together
You & I
My refusal
To be this
Stop-gap measure
For pleasure
Shook you up
I cried all night
You said you were sorry
The next morning
And I forgave you
Not quite understanding how I could
Sashikala Premawardhane
Because I can
Don’t look to me
I have no answers
No magic wand
To make things right
No words that can heal
All the wounds you carry around
crouching, as if, you can feel it
pushing you down
I can instead hold your hand
When you feel like
Things aren’t going your way
And listen
To all the pain that pours from you
As if the wounds were my own
And hold you
Till the pain has eased
And you can smile
And love you
Because I can
Sashikala Premawardhane
