fear

I no longer
Look forward to waking up each day
You have filled each day with disappointment
Killing hope slowly
With words

The phone, it’s ringing
And I can see it’s you
I have lost the courage
To pick up and say “hello”
Instead I’ve begun to like the silence
when the ringing stops

the certainty that comes with it
eludes our intermittent exchanges

I’ve grown weary
of waiting for your love
instead there are meaningless liaisons
between us
some which makes the phone stop ringing for days
halts contact in its track
and conversations difficult
we walk on egg shells around each other
too frightened to say
what each of us
does not want to hear
until, I give in, and let it pass without comment

Today, I contemplate my future in silence
And I have to say
I am frightened for me

Sashikala Premawardhane

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Do I stay or do I go?

Do I stay or do I go?

Leave you alone

Knowing
I am meant
To hold you close to my heart
Keep you safe from harm
Even if means
my heart must break
and I must shed a thousand tears
over and over again

When night comes
I resolve
to leave you
when daylight breaks

Intuitively, you pull me close
Sensing my resolve to retreat
From your embrace
Holding me, gently

I have pushed you away
far away
so many times

You won’t go
And I won’t leave

we can’t do it on our own.

Sashikala Premawardhane

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

O, I am fortune’s fool!

O, I am fortune’s fool!

My days are longer than yours
Sometimes inordinately so
Especially when songs are playing on the radio
That reminds me of how we were together
There were never enough seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour or hours in a day
In those days

I wonder whether you have forgotten me
When the radio plays “it will rain”

Along the way
These one sided conversations I’ve been having
With you, in my head,
Have dried up
I’ve stopped looking for you at random airports
In countries you have never been
And obsessing over miraculous returns

I don’t believe in miracles anymore

You didn’t leave “some morphine at my door”
a “friendly drop to help me after”
or goodbye

Just the space in my life
Where you used to be

12 years have passed
and I am still struggling
to understand why…….

Sashikala Premawardhane

P.S. I miss you, John Benedict, R.I.P

Note:

Song referred to and quoted from is “It will rain” by Bruno Mars
Quotes and parts of quotes contained in the poem are from “Romeo and Juliet” by William Shakespeare

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Love Notes from Mars

Nothing hurts more
Than gratitude from someone you love
You should know this

The book arrives
saying
“Thank you! You are amazing!”

In one handwritten sentence
You’ve made a stranger of me

I only know this

You are an expert in the art
Of making me feel like
I don’t matter

I now have this book
With your writing on it
On my table
Mocking me

Saying …. “Thank you”
I don’t even know for what
Okay, maybe I do

and

I hate that.

Sashikala Premawardhane

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Love Notes Vs Love Poetry

I’m going to send you stuff you say
Why? I ask
I want to know what you think about them
Will you be sending me love notes too, I ask, hopefully,
What love notes? you say
From you to me, I say
tell me what you think when you get the stuff…..

Shall I send you stuff too? I ask
No! I don’t want you to send me things- you say
Why? I ask
Cos I don’t!
Oh ok, I say, confused
Just asking, they have killer men’s shoes over here
I don’t want anything, you say, insistently

So the stuff arrives two weeks or so later
no love notes either
I tell you I don’t like them much
Really? you ask, Why not?
Not my style really,
But I’m sure others will like it, I say

Also, in my e-mail arrives
A week or so after this
Love poems from you to her
For review
I just wrote those when I was pissed off, you say casually
Do you think they’re any good? you ask
Well?
They’re good I say and sad,
They make me feel sad
Why? you ask, why do they make you sad?
Don’t you get it?
What you write for her
Is what I write for you, I say

Love Notes Vs Love Poetry
My hope Vs her reality
And you

Sashikala Premawardhane

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Epilogue

Just for today?

Baby, do you think
You could love me
Just for today?

I won’t ask for much

Just that you hold my hand
sit by my side
and let me feel a little miserable
about the things you keep saying

you know the stuff
I’m talking about

I feel like
My heart is shattered inside
I’m breathing all the same
Smiling and walking around
As if everything’s alright

Well it isn’t

Don’t believe me when I say
I’m doing well
‘Cos I’m not

So do you think
You could love me
Just this once?

Just for today?

Sashikala Premawardhane

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

Walk away

Somehow when you said
“if you keep pushing me
I’ll walk away from this”
and I said “so walk away”
I already knew
this was where you were heading
before you typed out those words
I knew you wanted
enough space to
go back to her

Suddenly
I grew very tired
of trying to make you love me
and I didn’t want to anymore

I wish I knew why
you kept coming back to me…..
and when you talk and rationalize
I stop listening
somewhere along the way
this has begun to bore me

you kept saying the same thing though
over and over again
only I never hear you
‘cos I don’t want to

“I don’t love you”

I repeat that to myself everyday now
in case I forget
and actually respond to random texts/e-mails you send me
once a month or so
friendly reminders of your existence I presume
jokes apart you should stop that

Walk away- funny how you have no idea what that means

Sashikala Premawardhane

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I like you

I like you
At the end of a telephone receiver
Or even at the other end of an e-mail I write
So that I can imagine you
So that what’s said can be filtered
Measured and weighed
Against the pain and happiness they may
or may not cause

I like you more at the end of my fingertip
When words are unnecessary
And touch can speak
What heart feels
like the old familiar feel
of your breath near my ear
your hand on my thigh
When things are unfiltered
and you are not
just in my mind

I’d like you even more
In the mornings
At breakfast
Over a cup of tea
With sleep filled eyes
a half baked smile
and absent minded caresses
as if you’ve got
other things on your mind
and you can’t quite see me
but you’re glad nonetheless
that I’m around

Sashikala Premawardhane

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I hold your heart

I hold your heart
in the palm of my hand
heart and palm
touching lightly
close my palm
and you will suffocate
you need room to breathe
to let the air
touch and heal
the wounds from which you bleed
so that you can grow wings
and fly away

I will close my palm then
into a fist
and hold it to my heart
and listen to your heartbeat
through my pain………

Sashikala Premawardhane

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A Tribute to Lakshman Kadirgamar

We were in awe
In your presence
That feeling was tangible
When you walked into a room
It was real
We felt priviledged to walk behind you
As you entered a room
Confident that you would make
Absolute sense of any given situation
We were proud
When you stood at a podium
We hung on every word
Wrote them down
Collected them in scrapbooks
Referred to them for work
For everyday life
We felt humbled
By the access you provided
For the inclusiveness with which you approached things
Although you knew the answer already
You guided us to give that answer
And took pride when we got there-albeit –a little late
You treated us like treasures
Each to be nurtured with a different skill
You placed value in our differences
And brought forth the best in us
You encouraged us to pursue our talents
Outside our work
Wanted us to be successful
And your joy and pride at each of our little successes
Was clear
In rare moments we saw you weak, troubled, accused
Having done no wrong
No politicians skin to save you
The newspapers shredding your dignity
With scant disregard for the harm it would cause
You refuse advice to leave the country
And are shot dead by a LTTE sniper
It’s the 12th of August 2005
Things are about to change for the worse
Forever

Sashikala Premawardhane

P.S. This is written with sincere apologies for using the late Minister’s name as is instead of The Hon Lakshman Kadirgamar, P.C., M.P., as it should be.

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